I saw a woman today with an awful affliction. One arm was stuck stiff behind her back. There it was, just being an arm, but she could never use it. I feel so igrnoant when I see things like that. And so lucky.
I need to write when I'm high. I think I've got a book in me somewhere... it just needs a little coaxing.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Instinct
Ate today. The first real meal in four days. Pizza - Hawaiian with green peppers. And cheesy bread to boot. And I smiled as much as I could muster. Dean Martin says that when you smile the whole world smiles with you. If nothing else, I'm testing his theory.
I shouldn't take credit for writing this one, but it's perfect:
Bloody lot of good
our good intentions did us
we still have fucked up
I spent a long long time convincing myself that it was meant to be, that he was 'the one'; I spent a lifetime struggling to trust him. Maybe two. He is not the one, at least not now. And I can't have him, and he surely can't have me. It's embarrassing more than anything else. What a terrible choice I made going against my instincts like that. What a stupid, naive thing to do, Allison. Perhaps I've learned something - we can only hope. I certainly don't feel like I've aced the course.
The pain has subsided surprisingly quickly - no need for excessive drink, or excessive crying, or excessive yelling or blaming or any of that ugliness. It's almost as if my heart knew it was coming, even if my brain didn't. Good old smart heart. Walling yourself in like that - keeping the invaders at bay. I should have listened harder.
Still, I cry a little. I cry for the loss of the story I wanted to tell. The greatest love story of all time. He won't be a part of it. He was my best friend, and my worst enemy... and, as fate would have it, my worst friend.
I bought myself a book, and a bookmark with an owl on it. Stands for wisdom, but I don't know why. I always assumed birds had small brains and routinely flew into windows, breaking their little necks. I liked the owl, though. His eyes are big. Maybe he sees more that way.
I shouldn't take credit for writing this one, but it's perfect:
Bloody lot of good
our good intentions did us
we still have fucked up
I spent a long long time convincing myself that it was meant to be, that he was 'the one'; I spent a lifetime struggling to trust him. Maybe two. He is not the one, at least not now. And I can't have him, and he surely can't have me. It's embarrassing more than anything else. What a terrible choice I made going against my instincts like that. What a stupid, naive thing to do, Allison. Perhaps I've learned something - we can only hope. I certainly don't feel like I've aced the course.
The pain has subsided surprisingly quickly - no need for excessive drink, or excessive crying, or excessive yelling or blaming or any of that ugliness. It's almost as if my heart knew it was coming, even if my brain didn't. Good old smart heart. Walling yourself in like that - keeping the invaders at bay. I should have listened harder.
Still, I cry a little. I cry for the loss of the story I wanted to tell. The greatest love story of all time. He won't be a part of it. He was my best friend, and my worst enemy... and, as fate would have it, my worst friend.
I bought myself a book, and a bookmark with an owl on it. Stands for wisdom, but I don't know why. I always assumed birds had small brains and routinely flew into windows, breaking their little necks. I liked the owl, though. His eyes are big. Maybe he sees more that way.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Throb
Headache all day long. Bad one. It's easy to ignore if there's some other manufactured source of pain. Maybe I made it all up. Maybe I always do that. Maybe I create a problem in order to draw my attention from another one.
I have trust issues. Which is confusing, right, because I don't have daddy issues or man issues or rape issues or... I've never even been cheated on. Some one else is much more deserving of my trust issues. But it's concerning because I'm starting to think maybe these trust issues are enough to keep me out of a relationship... a potentially wonderful and good relationship. I have trust issues because I don't want to get hurt - but I think it would be wrong to keep someone in a relationship because you never learned to trust them. Shouldn't it be the opposite? Aren't I less than desirable like this?
FUCK WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME I DONT FUCKING KNOW WHEN I GOT THIS WAY WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!!? TRYING TO BE ALL ARTICULATE AND SHIT TRYING TO PICK APART MY FUCKING FEELINGS FOR WHAT? THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY HEAD.
I have trust issues. Which is confusing, right, because I don't have daddy issues or man issues or rape issues or... I've never even been cheated on. Some one else is much more deserving of my trust issues. But it's concerning because I'm starting to think maybe these trust issues are enough to keep me out of a relationship... a potentially wonderful and good relationship. I have trust issues because I don't want to get hurt - but I think it would be wrong to keep someone in a relationship because you never learned to trust them. Shouldn't it be the opposite? Aren't I less than desirable like this?
FUCK WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME I DONT FUCKING KNOW WHEN I GOT THIS WAY WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!!? TRYING TO BE ALL ARTICULATE AND SHIT TRYING TO PICK APART MY FUCKING FEELINGS FOR WHAT? THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY HEAD.
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